8 Weeks

Today marks 8 weeks since Evan has went on to be with Jesus in Heaven. Part of me rejoices-for I know he is much bette off than we are. But a very selfish part of me is so sad today and my arms are longing for my sweet baby. I've not expressed very much how difficult it can be sometimes. Although I know that it really goes without saying. The past 8 weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. As I am sure that it will continue to be. Please continue to be in prayer for me and Brent as we continue to mourn for our sweet baby yet rejoice about where he now is! This wound will never be healed but the pain is eased with time.

Sometimes my emotions will come out of nowhere-one second I'll be fine and the very next I will be in tears. There are reminders of Evan nearly everywhere I turn. About a month ago Brent and I were shopping in Old Navy and he pointed to a shirt and said "Look, it's Mickey Mouse." I then broke down-right there in Old Navy. Talk about losing it. Mickey Mouse was the only cartoon that Evan watched. Brent and I had bought Evan a Mickey Mouse toy and now I automatically think of Evan when I see, hear etc ANYTHING about Mickey Mouse. For now it's still upsetting but I am sure that one day I will look upon Mickey Mouse fondly and remember that it was something that made Evan happy and that will make me happy. For now I think "Evan should be here still watching Mickey Mouse." In the next minute my mind reminds me that Evan is in a much better place and is so much better off than he would be if he were here watching Mickey Mouse. It's especially difficult when I see other babies that are the age that Evan would be. I look at them and long to hold my baby. This summer  I have spent a lot of time out and about will see a mother holding her baby or pushing a stroller and I automatically think... "I should have Evan here. I should be pushing his stroller or home with him" This time last year we were so excited about trying to get pregnant and start our family. I thought this summer would be spent with my newborn yet it hasn't been. That's been difficult to swallow. Yet again in my head I know he's much better, my heart just hurts.

 I've also  found myself being so much more sensitive to comments that people make. I know that sometimes people will make comments that they do not mean anything by but I will think to myself "Why in the world would you say that??" I've been pretty good about not getting too defensive but it's definitely been something I've struggled with and need prayer to continue to deal with. I want to remind everyone to be so thankful for everything that God has given them. If you take a minute to look around you can probably find 10 things that you are blessed with. Take a moment and be thankful for those things rather than focusing on all the negative in your life. Remind yourself not to take the blessings for granted! Your life could change in a split second and the things you are complaining about now will seem so inconsequential.

Ok, enough about that. Last week I spent a day on a photo collage wall in mine and Brent's bedroom. I wanted something to look at everyday and remind us how blessed we are to have found one another and be spending our lives together. This is what it ended up looking like. 

I thought it was absolutely wonderful but of course I spent a lot of time on it so I am a little biased! The sign at the top is Romans 8:28. Amy Holt shared this verse with me when she shared her journey through an experience similar to ours. I have frequently went back to this verse since she shared it with me. When I stumbled upon the sign at Hobby Lobby (same day as the It is well with my soul one...) I just knew it fit our photo collage wall and needed to hang in our room. This wall has served as a visual reminder of how blessed our life has been. At the end of the day Brent and I still have one another and one glorious day we will get to hold Evan in our arms again. We will spend eternity with him and most importantly with Jesus! I long for that day. Until then we will continue to live our lives and give all the Glory to God! For without Him we would not be here today! 

Please say extra prayers for me as I will share our testimony on Sunday at Pine Level Baptist Church. Everyone have a blessed weekend and count your blessings-name them one by one. Count your blessings and look what God has done!

It is well with my soul

       I cannot believe that school starts back for teachers in about three weeks! Time is flying so quickly. This summer I have really worked to keep myself busy each and every day. Even if it means just going to Wal Mart at some point during the day. Early on in the summer I found that staying home all day by myself was not going to bode well for my sanity and state of mind. So it seems that every day I have went SOMEWHERE. But yesterday I was ready to stay home and work on some different things around the house that I hadn't been able to get around to yet. These were things I was determined to complete before the return of school so I had to get busy because time was ticking!

This was one of the first projects I worked on . I went to Hobby Lobby the other day to pick up some things for a photo collage wall I was wanting to work on in our bedroom and came across the sign. It was 50% off and was the exact colors that our bedroom is decorated in. I just had to have it because it said "It is well with my soul." I chose that hymn to sing at Evan's funeral. It was kind of strange because that isn't a hymn that I have grown up singing on a regular basis. I honestly don't remember ever singing it in church or at a funeral ever actually. When I was picking out songs for the funeral I knew I wanted to end on a joyous note and hymn because I didn't want everyone to be sad that Evan wasn't with us but be able to reflect upon him being with Jesus in Heaven and happy that he was doing much better than we were. "When We All Get to Heaven" just seemed so appropriate and it is one of my absolute favorite hymns. That choice was very easy. I jus wasn't sure about an opening hymn though. While I was trying to find something I was on YouTube watching this video of Brad Paisley singing "When We All Get to Heaven." It's one of my favorite versions of the hymn. 

      I was reflecting on how I shouldn't be sooooo sad that Evan was in heaven and that I'd be there one day and for a multitude of reasons that it was going to be such a joyous day! Over on the sidebar I saw a link for "It Is Well With My Soul" being sung by Chris Rice. On a whim I clicked on the video and watched it. The song was more appropriate than I could have ever imagined it was going to be and I knew immediately that was the opening hymn! I showed Brent that morning and we cried but agreed it was just right for Evan's send off to Heaven!! A week or so later my Aunt Becky sent me the following link for a video of the hymn with the story about how, why and when it was written. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8_EfDqF7YI

In 1873, Horatio Spafford wrote the words to the hymn "It is Well with My Soul" after the tragic death of his four daughters. (He wrote it on the ocean while sailing near the
spot where his daughters died.)Very moving.

     If you have a few minutes now or later I HIGHLY recommend watching the video if you don't already know the story behind the hymn. Even if you do, it is a beautiful video and very touching. When I saw this I reflected on how that video had been placed in my path because God knew it was what I needed to hear. 

    All that to say that when I stumbled upon the sign that matched my room so perfectly with it is well with my soul on it I just KNEW I had to have it and I knew immediately what I was going to do with it. I have an 8x10 of Brent kissing Evan's little face that I am going to order to hang right below mine. We are finally healing to the point of being ready to see those pictures every day! Love seeing our sweet baby's face each time we walk by!

       There were several other pieces of framed art containing scripture that I HAD to get at Hobby Lobby earlier this week. I put them up yesterday also but I will share those later as I feel I've rambled on and on enough today. I hope everyone has a blessed weekend! We are going to be super busy with lots of things going on with Brent's family this weekend, a baby welcoming party for my friend Megan, and church tomorrow morning. Happy Birthday shout out to my sister in law Kendall and mother in law Jean! I hope you guys have a most fantastic day!! :)

Life after Evan on Earth

After lots of serious prayer I've decided to continue my blogging about life after Evan went to be with Jesus. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was walk away from my sweet baby on May 31 at Children's Hospital in Birmingham.  And to have to share the news of his passing with close friends and family was another difficult task making it seem all the more real. With that day came a flood of emotions-sadness but also a sense of peace. Peace in knowing that Evan was in the arms of Jesus and that Jesus was singing my sweet baby lullabies.  And a peace in knowing that my sweet baby was no longer in pain. His entire life outside the womb consisted of needles, tubes and laying in a hospital bed almost all day every day. This is not what I wanted for him. When I get really sad and my arms are aching for Evan I will do two things usually: First I remember how much he was hurting and that now his body is perfect and he is rejoicing with our Lord and then I remind myself that I was Evan's earthly mother but ultimately we are all God's children. Usually when I am feeling this way I will remember this verse: 

Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Selfishly I wanted and still want Evan to be here on Earth with me but I know his body was never meant to dwell this Earth for long. He was a gift and blessing to us for a short time but oh the blessings and gifts that have continued to flow since he's left to be with our Lord. He was a gift from God in every sense. More so than I can even really fathom.  Brent and I have continued each day even though there have been days that we haven't wanted to continue at all. The first couple weeks were purely tortuous but we continued to rely on God, one another and our family and friends. For the most part the days have gotten easier but every now and then a day will come along and it will be like he just left us yesterday. Life has continued to be peaks and valleys. I've really tried to mentally think of all the good things that have happened because of Evan and his impact on this Earth through me and Brent. Most of the time that makes me feel so much better but there are definitely times that I would like to scream "But WHY me???" I've had so many people, some that I don't even personally know, reach out to me and share how Evan's life and story has improved their life. I'm so thankful that there are so many blessings that have flowed from our sharing our journey with Evan. 

        One of the things that I feel is meant to be a blessing from God via Evan is my testimony. I had the opportunity to share this testimony at Evan's funeral. The only reason I was able to stand up there that day was because Jesus was there with me holding me up. I have been given the opportunity and privilege to share my testimony on July 28 at Pine Level Baptist Church. I pray daily that this testimony can touch the lives of the people sitting in the pews of Pine Level on that morning.  In this way I know that Evan is living on and this was God's will for Evan's life. As well as for mine and Brent's. I continually prayed for God's will for Evan's life to be done even if it did not align with my desire to have Evan here on Earth with me. 
        It's hard to know what to do next. People will say "Well, at least you're young you can try again." And of course that's true but we have a lot of healing to do before we will be ready to walk that road again. I know that we will know when that time comes. For now we are enjoying signs we get from our Evan up in heaven. For example, on the day of his funeral after the  graveside portion of the service there was a gigantic beautiful rainbow. My aunt Teena came in and got me to show me and I distinctly remember looking at Brent with tears shining in both of our eyes and saying "He's ok. That's our sign from him that he's ok." Of course we knew he was ok but a visual reminder of this meant more than I can even express. Rainbows represent so much. God's promise to us and now we are reminded that our Evan is just fine each time we see a rainbow. This evening after walking in the park with friends I saw a rainbow and immediately took a picture of it and sent it to Brent. I really needed that rainbow today because yesterday marked what would have been Evan's four month birthday. Milestones like that are very hard for us but we rest assured knowing that they are part of us moving forward and our wounds being soothed. God has given us such strength though. Yesterday afternoon I went in Evan's room for the first time since coming home-for more than 30 seconds to put something up. I just felt ready to look at his things, ready to cry, and surprisingly ready to go through the stuff and decide what needed to be done with what. Although they are just material things some of them hold very much sentimental value to us. This was yet another step that is hard yet necessary to moving forward. God gave me such strength last night as He has all along. I continue to be in awe of Him holding me and always giving me the strength I need when I need it. Even when I don’t know when these moments are going to come along.

In the coming days I will share some mementos that have been made and given to us in Evan's memory. I can't wait to share photos of each one and write about what each has meant to us. Follow us on our journey of live after Evan on Earth. I cannot wait until the day that I get to hold my sweet baby again! What a glorious day it will be!  Meeting Jesus finally and being reunited with my sweet son!!! Until then we will continue to walk by faith and try our hardest every single day to be the spiritual warriors that we know Jesus wants us to be. Since we all know...

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Proof that we are doing alright, trusting in God's plan for our life and Evan's life as well  finally being able to have  smiles on our faces again....