Today marks 8 weeks since Evan has went on to be with Jesus in Heaven. Part of me rejoices-for I know he is much bette off than we are. But a very selfish part of me is so sad today and my arms are longing for my sweet baby. I've not expressed very much how difficult it can be sometimes. Although I know that it really goes without saying. The past 8 weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. As I am sure that it will continue to be. Please continue to be in prayer for me and Brent as we continue to mourn for our sweet baby yet rejoice about where he now is! This wound will never be healed but the pain is eased with time.
Sometimes my emotions will come out of nowhere-one second I'll be fine and the very next I will be in tears. There are reminders of Evan nearly everywhere I turn. About a month ago Brent and I were shopping in Old Navy and he pointed to a shirt and said "Look, it's Mickey Mouse." I then broke down-right there in Old Navy. Talk about losing it. Mickey Mouse was the only cartoon that Evan watched. Brent and I had bought Evan a Mickey Mouse toy and now I automatically think of Evan when I see, hear etc ANYTHING about Mickey Mouse. For now it's still upsetting but I am sure that one day I will look upon Mickey Mouse fondly and remember that it was something that made Evan happy and that will make me happy. For now I think "Evan should be here still watching Mickey Mouse." In the next minute my mind reminds me that Evan is in a much better place and is so much better off than he would be if he were here watching Mickey Mouse. It's especially difficult when I see other babies that are the age that Evan would be. I look at them and long to hold my baby. This summer I have spent a lot of time out and about will see a mother holding her baby or pushing a stroller and I automatically think... "I should have Evan here. I should be pushing his stroller or home with him" This time last year we were so excited about trying to get pregnant and start our family. I thought this summer would be spent with my newborn yet it hasn't been. That's been difficult to swallow. Yet again in my head I know he's much better, my heart just hurts.
I've also found myself being so much more sensitive to comments that people make. I know that sometimes people will make comments that they do not mean anything by but I will think to myself "Why in the world would you say that??" I've been pretty good about not getting too defensive but it's definitely been something I've struggled with and need prayer to continue to deal with. I want to remind everyone to be so thankful for everything that God has given them. If you take a minute to look around you can probably find 10 things that you are blessed with. Take a moment and be thankful for those things rather than focusing on all the negative in your life. Remind yourself not to take the blessings for granted! Your life could change in a split second and the things you are complaining about now will seem so inconsequential.
Ok, enough about that. Last week I spent a day on a photo collage wall in mine and Brent's bedroom. I wanted something to look at everyday and remind us how blessed we are to have found one another and be spending our lives together. This is what it ended up looking like.
Sometimes my emotions will come out of nowhere-one second I'll be fine and the very next I will be in tears. There are reminders of Evan nearly everywhere I turn. About a month ago Brent and I were shopping in Old Navy and he pointed to a shirt and said "Look, it's Mickey Mouse." I then broke down-right there in Old Navy. Talk about losing it. Mickey Mouse was the only cartoon that Evan watched. Brent and I had bought Evan a Mickey Mouse toy and now I automatically think of Evan when I see, hear etc ANYTHING about Mickey Mouse. For now it's still upsetting but I am sure that one day I will look upon Mickey Mouse fondly and remember that it was something that made Evan happy and that will make me happy. For now I think "Evan should be here still watching Mickey Mouse." In the next minute my mind reminds me that Evan is in a much better place and is so much better off than he would be if he were here watching Mickey Mouse. It's especially difficult when I see other babies that are the age that Evan would be. I look at them and long to hold my baby. This summer I have spent a lot of time out and about will see a mother holding her baby or pushing a stroller and I automatically think... "I should have Evan here. I should be pushing his stroller or home with him" This time last year we were so excited about trying to get pregnant and start our family. I thought this summer would be spent with my newborn yet it hasn't been. That's been difficult to swallow. Yet again in my head I know he's much better, my heart just hurts.
I've also found myself being so much more sensitive to comments that people make. I know that sometimes people will make comments that they do not mean anything by but I will think to myself "Why in the world would you say that??" I've been pretty good about not getting too defensive but it's definitely been something I've struggled with and need prayer to continue to deal with. I want to remind everyone to be so thankful for everything that God has given them. If you take a minute to look around you can probably find 10 things that you are blessed with. Take a moment and be thankful for those things rather than focusing on all the negative in your life. Remind yourself not to take the blessings for granted! Your life could change in a split second and the things you are complaining about now will seem so inconsequential.
Ok, enough about that. Last week I spent a day on a photo collage wall in mine and Brent's bedroom. I wanted something to look at everyday and remind us how blessed we are to have found one another and be spending our lives together. This is what it ended up looking like.
I thought it was absolutely wonderful but of course I spent a lot of time on it so I am a little biased! The sign at the top is Romans 8:28. Amy Holt shared this verse with me when she shared her journey through an experience similar to ours. I have frequently went back to this verse since she shared it with me. When I stumbled upon the sign at Hobby Lobby (same day as the It is well with my soul one...) I just knew it fit our photo collage wall and needed to hang in our room. This wall has served as a visual reminder of how blessed our life has been. At the end of the day Brent and I still have one another and one glorious day we will get to hold Evan in our arms again. We will spend eternity with him and most importantly with Jesus! I long for that day. Until then we will continue to live our lives and give all the Glory to God! For without Him we would not be here today!
Please say extra prayers for me as I will share our testimony on Sunday at Pine Level Baptist Church. Everyone have a blessed weekend and count your blessings-name them one by one. Count your blessings and look what God has done!
My heart aches for you and Brent every time I think about your loss. Although you know Evan is in a better place, no one can use that to discount the loss that you have suffered and the pain that it has caused you. I hope that you and Brent continue to lean on each other and support one another through this, the worst of times any parent could face.
ReplyDeleteI miss seeing sweet Evan. I can not even imagine how you and Brent feel each day. I keep you both in my prayers that The Lord gives you strength daily. I am so so glad you are still blogging because I know their will be another who is missing their little one too and your words will give them encouragement. ( I pray that it does) your words feel me with the love of The Lord May The Lord be with you both. Love you. Jewell Evans
ReplyDeleteJewell, we missing see you! And Evan loved when you took care of him. Thank you so much for doing such a great job!! I pray that our story and journey can help others. It's definitely the hardest path I've ever walked and it's the path I'll be walking for the rest of my life. I want Evan to live on (on Earth) through us and I hope this is a way for that to happen! We will be coming back up to UAB for Brent's endocrinologist appt in September. Maybe we can come over to Children's and hopefully you'll be working and we could see you! :) Love, Meredith
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