Life after Evan on Earth

After lots of serious prayer I've decided to continue my blogging about life after Evan went to be with Jesus. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was walk away from my sweet baby on May 31 at Children's Hospital in Birmingham.  And to have to share the news of his passing with close friends and family was another difficult task making it seem all the more real. With that day came a flood of emotions-sadness but also a sense of peace. Peace in knowing that Evan was in the arms of Jesus and that Jesus was singing my sweet baby lullabies.  And a peace in knowing that my sweet baby was no longer in pain. His entire life outside the womb consisted of needles, tubes and laying in a hospital bed almost all day every day. This is not what I wanted for him. When I get really sad and my arms are aching for Evan I will do two things usually: First I remember how much he was hurting and that now his body is perfect and he is rejoicing with our Lord and then I remind myself that I was Evan's earthly mother but ultimately we are all God's children. Usually when I am feeling this way I will remember this verse: 

Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Selfishly I wanted and still want Evan to be here on Earth with me but I know his body was never meant to dwell this Earth for long. He was a gift and blessing to us for a short time but oh the blessings and gifts that have continued to flow since he's left to be with our Lord. He was a gift from God in every sense. More so than I can even really fathom.  Brent and I have continued each day even though there have been days that we haven't wanted to continue at all. The first couple weeks were purely tortuous but we continued to rely on God, one another and our family and friends. For the most part the days have gotten easier but every now and then a day will come along and it will be like he just left us yesterday. Life has continued to be peaks and valleys. I've really tried to mentally think of all the good things that have happened because of Evan and his impact on this Earth through me and Brent. Most of the time that makes me feel so much better but there are definitely times that I would like to scream "But WHY me???" I've had so many people, some that I don't even personally know, reach out to me and share how Evan's life and story has improved their life. I'm so thankful that there are so many blessings that have flowed from our sharing our journey with Evan. 

        One of the things that I feel is meant to be a blessing from God via Evan is my testimony. I had the opportunity to share this testimony at Evan's funeral. The only reason I was able to stand up there that day was because Jesus was there with me holding me up. I have been given the opportunity and privilege to share my testimony on July 28 at Pine Level Baptist Church. I pray daily that this testimony can touch the lives of the people sitting in the pews of Pine Level on that morning.  In this way I know that Evan is living on and this was God's will for Evan's life. As well as for mine and Brent's. I continually prayed for God's will for Evan's life to be done even if it did not align with my desire to have Evan here on Earth with me. 
        It's hard to know what to do next. People will say "Well, at least you're young you can try again." And of course that's true but we have a lot of healing to do before we will be ready to walk that road again. I know that we will know when that time comes. For now we are enjoying signs we get from our Evan up in heaven. For example, on the day of his funeral after the  graveside portion of the service there was a gigantic beautiful rainbow. My aunt Teena came in and got me to show me and I distinctly remember looking at Brent with tears shining in both of our eyes and saying "He's ok. That's our sign from him that he's ok." Of course we knew he was ok but a visual reminder of this meant more than I can even express. Rainbows represent so much. God's promise to us and now we are reminded that our Evan is just fine each time we see a rainbow. This evening after walking in the park with friends I saw a rainbow and immediately took a picture of it and sent it to Brent. I really needed that rainbow today because yesterday marked what would have been Evan's four month birthday. Milestones like that are very hard for us but we rest assured knowing that they are part of us moving forward and our wounds being soothed. God has given us such strength though. Yesterday afternoon I went in Evan's room for the first time since coming home-for more than 30 seconds to put something up. I just felt ready to look at his things, ready to cry, and surprisingly ready to go through the stuff and decide what needed to be done with what. Although they are just material things some of them hold very much sentimental value to us. This was yet another step that is hard yet necessary to moving forward. God gave me such strength last night as He has all along. I continue to be in awe of Him holding me and always giving me the strength I need when I need it. Even when I don’t know when these moments are going to come along.

In the coming days I will share some mementos that have been made and given to us in Evan's memory. I can't wait to share photos of each one and write about what each has meant to us. Follow us on our journey of live after Evan on Earth. I cannot wait until the day that I get to hold my sweet baby again! What a glorious day it will be!  Meeting Jesus finally and being reunited with my sweet son!!! Until then we will continue to walk by faith and try our hardest every single day to be the spiritual warriors that we know Jesus wants us to be. Since we all know...

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Proof that we are doing alright, trusting in God's plan for our life and Evan's life as well  finally being able to have  smiles on our faces again....